The past few months for me have been a blur of rapid changes and transitions. I started a new remote job at the end of October, which took up a lot of mental energy as I acclimated to the new position. Now that my initiation period with the job has concluded I’m in the process of trying to switch over my medical insurance, which wouldn’t be a huge deal except for the fact that for the past seven years I have had the same primary care physician, the same routine for my prescription refills and lab tests, and having everything so centralized for my medical needs that I know exactly where to go for anything that should arise. Now all of that is about to change, which has left me unsettled to say the least.
Adding to this upheaval is the fact that I am looking for a new place to live. I have been in my apartment for nearly five years now, but since my new job comes with a considerable pay cut as compared to what I was making as a developer, the amount of rent that I currently pay has become prohibitive for me and my budget. Since my lease is about to renew in less than eight weeks this is the time I need to find a new place.
I am likely going to be moving to a new neighborhood, which also means that I will be needing to change my gym, which I’ve been going to ever since I moved to this neighborhood seven years ago, as well as my normal supermarket. I could have decided to find something else in the same neighborhood, but the overall quality of this area has gone considerably downhill over the past few years, and the amount of rents for the neighborhood are unreasonably high, especially for my current budget.
I’m trying to navigate through all of these changes as best as I can. I’m taking things one step at a time. I’m trying to stay grateful for the fact that I have a solid job now, and that it’s highly likely that I should find myself in a good situation once all of these life transitions are complete.
It’s especially hard finding a place to live. The better apartment buildings are incredibly expensive, especially for me now that I have a much smaller budget. I know that I have done a ton of research on various places, but I also know that despite my due diligence I will not know what it’s like to live in a new place until I have moved in. I already have enough issues with trusting other people, so it is difficult for me to trust leasing managers when I ask them questions about the building such as safety, sound proofing, and general maintenance.
So yeah…all of these changes are a lot for me to handle.
I’m trying to stay positive. I’m trying to stay focused. But I’m also trying to handle all of these massive life changes while also trying to process the fact that I nearly killed myself four months ago. And I still am nowhere near recovered from it.
There have been a lot of setbacks in my mental health journey this past year. I was barely socializing even before that scary night last fall, and since then my social encounters have been sporadic at best. I also haven’t been taking good care of myself. I haven’t been eating healthily and as a result I’ve put on a lot of weight. I haven’t been going to the gym as regularly as I once did. And I haven’t tried to go running in months.
I am still assessing everything that happened, but in a way I don’t have time to do a deep dive into it because of the more pressing issues on my plate, in particular the apartment hunt. I know that the clock is ticking and that I want to make a good, smart decision when it comes to my next place to live. Yet because I am nowhere near recovered from that horrible night a few months ago that I feel totally lost and confused.
I feel like I’m trying to make good life decisions yet in some ways I feel like I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t know what I want. And I don’t know why I’m still here.
I’m trying to navigate these transitions while still not being able to fully process the emotional angst that nearly led me to end my life, nor have I recovered from the aftermath. I’ve been trying to socialize but I am still terrified to do so because I am terrified of being triggered again. I try to put on a brave face and act like I’m okay, but in reality I’m hanging on by a thread.
How am I supposed to make all of these decisions when I don’t even know who I am, or what I want?
I know it’s important for me to not just make decisions about my living situation, but to make *healthy* decisions. The unhealthy part of me just wants to move to the middle of nowhere, to cut myself off from people entirely, and to live my life in complete isolation.
I know that such a decision wouldn’t result in me being happy. I know that I would deeply miss having connections with people. I also know that it would feel like a concession, that I would be giving up on so much of my therapeutic progress. For so many years before therapy I was devoid of relationships, and to move far away from other people would feel like I was reverting back to who I was before I started therapy.
But I would also feel a sense of being protected from getting triggered by other people, and given what happened to me a few months ago, the idea of protecting myself from being triggered is far more alluring than it normally would be.
I am trying to make good decisions, not just for my wallet but also for my emotional and mental health. Yet, it’s so hard for me to make these decisions when I am still falling apart inside. Not a day has gone by where I haven’t felt like I was on the verge of imploding.
I am terrified of everything that is happening to me right now. I’m terrified of what’s about to happen with these life transitions. And I’m terrified that after the dust settles on these transitions that I will feel no better than I did a few months ago, and that I will feel once again hopeless and feeling as if my existence has no purpose.
Well…almost no purpose.
As I wrote about in a previous post, I have been battling a particularly pernicious mentality that says that my only purpose of being on this planet is to be used and discarded by other people. I know this comes from my parents, and in particular from my mother. She felt that my only purpose in life was to make her happy, and since she was so conditional with her treatment towards me it led me to feel that only if I’m “good enough” then I am fulfilling my purpose in life by appeasing her. The fact that she would also withhold emotional affection led to me having what my therapist refers to as emotional abandonment issues, and that underlying belief that everyone in this world would inevitably emotionally betray me as she so often did.
Battling this mentality is extremely difficult, and it doesn’t help matters that I’ve suffered a lot of losses recently that have shaken my trust in other people. The past few years have at times felt like a continuous sucker punch to the gut. Between the devastating sense of betrayal I felt when the one person I loved and trusted the most callously tossed me aside as if I meant nothing to him, to the barrage of professional losses of clients, needless to say my ability to trust in people is not exactly high at the moment.
Especially my trust in myself.
I don’t fully trust my own judgement right now. Having been used and discarded so many times and in so many ways over the past couple of years has led to a serious lack of confidence in my own judgement. Maybe I’m the one who is bringing this on myself. Maybe there is something about me that tells other people that they can feel free to abuse me and casually cast me aside like an empty beer can when they no longer have any use for me.
Maybe it really is just me.
It doesn’t help matters that I also find it disingenuous when people are unconditionally kind to me. When someone goes out of their way to be nice to me I automatically become suspicious and aloof. When someone tries to flirt with me I decide right then and there that it must be some sort of trick, a cruel practical joke at my expense. Why else would they be showing any interest in me?
I know I need to snap out of this thinking. My therapist continuously reminds me to work on separating fact from fiction. My mind tends to spin tales of people whom I consider friends talking badly about me or secretly wishing that I would stop socializing with them. It tells me that no one in their right mind would even want to spend any time with me, so why should I believe it when they act happy to see me?
This is a terrible feeling. I hate feeling doubts about my social circle and whether people really like me. I also know that these beliefs are a twisted kind of protective mechanism, a means of trying to convince me not to let down my guard lest I just get hurt again. I know that I’ve done too much work on myself to give up now, but it’s so hard when I’m pummeled by these negative thoughts that tell me that no one wants me around.
I hate feeling like this. I also feel guilty and self-indulgent for feeling like this. I’m filled with anxiety about moving apartments, while every day I see people in the streets that are homeless. I know in parts of the country people’s homes and entire neighborhoods have burned to the ground, and in parts of the world people are living in war zones. I’m sure there are plenty of people out there who would gladly trade places with me right now for all of my so-called “problems”.
I’m trying to be grateful. I’m trying to be brave. But I’m still terrified…and deeply uncertain.
I feel as if I’m trying to forge a new path for myself, but I’m walking in such a dense fog that I cannot see anything that lies ahead. Every step I take feels like it could be solid ground or quicksand. It is so unsettling to not know what’s going to happen or how I’m going to feel in a few months. Will I be happy where I am? Will I feel better emotionally? Or will I feel no differently than I do today, or even worse?
I also know that I need to power through all of these uncertainties. My lease is going to end soon. If I don’t want to be locked into another year of paying a rent rate that is far too high for my budget now, then it is imperative that I push forward with this apartment transition.
I also need to learn to trust again, and in particular, to start trusting myself again. I’ve worked too hard on myself to let this kind of self-doubt and negative self-talk destroy my connections, my optimism, and my quality of life. I need to trust that I am not just some doormat for people to walk on, and that I do have it in me to make good life decisions.
So, as I try to handle all of this upheaval I will continue to try to keep myself focused and grounded, as hard as that can feel for me especially now. I know that I need to eventually process everything that happened to me a few months ago, as it is most definitely at the core of my angst. I just hope that I can get through this next month without having yet another meltdown, without giving in to the feelings of hopelessness, and without giving myself enough credit for having good enough judgement to make healthy decisions.
The path may be foggy, but I’m going to do my best to keep pushing forward.