The Flirtation Reaction

How does one typically react when an attractive person flirts with them?

Do they feel excited, but maybe a little scared?  Do they wonder if this is really happening?  Is this gorgeous person actually interested in them?  Are they flattered?  Hopeful?  Curious?

All of these reactions are perfectly normal.  It’s expected that such an occurrence would create a whole slew of emotional reactions, ranging from bewilderment to enthrallment, from nervousness to blissfulness.  To be flirted with by someone who is attractive is bound to generate any of these types of emotional reactions in just about every person out there.

But not for me, because the first and primary emotion that I experience is a feeling of suspicion.

Why?

It’s as baffling to me as it is to those who know me well.  My friends know that I’m single and that I want to get into a relationship.  They would be thrilled at the idea that a guy would be flirting with me and would naturally assume that I would be thrilled as well.  Besides, just about anyone who is single would feel flattered if someone they thought was attractive was flirting with them.  Even if they know that it may not result in a relationship a lot of people would feel a boost of self-esteem if their crush started flirting with them.

Just not me.  I don’t feel flattered, or hopeful, or even curious.  Even though I may not be consciously aware of it when it’s happening, my primary emotional reaction underneath the surface is suspicion.

So why in the world would a single gay man like me feel suspicious when a hot guy flirts with me?  It doesn’t make any sense.

Or does it…

Throughout the course of the past six years of going to therapy I’ve had to unpack a lot of baggage from my past.  This baggage left me paralyzed socially for many years before I finally had the wherewithal to go to a therapist to start working through my issues.  The wounds from my childhood had plagued me more deeply than I realized, and it took tons of processing and a lot of work to peel away the layers of toxicity and abuse.

With each layer removed I started to embrace functional relationships.  It was a gradual process.  I had tremendous trepidation when it came to socializing, even after I had started therapy, as I was still very triggered when I was in the presence of other people.  In time I learned to push through these fears, and after a few years I now find myself with a social life that is beyond anything that I could ever have imagined just a few years ago.

It’s also funny at times, because people who have met me over the past couple of years would never have assumed that I had struggled with social awkwardness and anxiety in the past.  They all see me as confident, extroverted, and personable.  They would have never recognized my past self.

This just goes to show how much therapy has helped me.  Mind you it took a lot of work, but now I’m so much more confident socializing with my friends.  Most of the insecurities that filled my head with a deafening roar have dissipated to a whisper.  Now I have friendships and bonds with people that are filled with meaning and purpose.  My platonic connections are better than ever.

Dating has definitely been the exception to this rule.  As much as making friends has become so much easier, dating is still the one area where I hold myself back.  In many ways my increased self-awareness has almost made it more difficult for me, because now I recognize how much I am the cause of my lack of success in dating.  I truly am my own worst enemy in these instances.

It’s my toxic self-talk that prevents me from believing it when an attractive, functional guy expresses interest in me.  I gaslight myself into doubting that this is really happening, even though another part of me wants to feel excited and hopeful.  It’s as if my default belief is that there is no way that this scenario is real or authentic.

So why do I feel suspicious when a guy flirts with me?

To figure this out I tried to piece together what happens in my psyche when a cute guy starts talking to me and I start to sense he is flirting, whether it be the way he flatters my appearance, leans closer to me, or makes subtle physical contact with me.  While I may not outwardly react with an angry look or words, in my mind I immediately feel a sense of danger and the need to close myself off immediately.

Why?  It took some thinking to realize that the tinge of danger I sense in that instance is masking another feeling – the feeling as if I’m being tricked.  It’s like I think that the only reason this guy is flirting with me is that it’s some sort of ruse.  I know it’s ridiculous, but sometimes I almost feel like it’s a big practical joke that everyone in the room is in on, and they are just waiting for me to take the bait.  It’s as if I’m on some sort of hidden camera video show where the host is telling the audience, “check this out!  We’re totally going to trick this guy into thinking that a hot guy is into him.  Just you wait and see!  As soon as he takes the bait then we can pull the rug out from under him and he’ll be totally humiliated!  Then the whole room will be laughing at him!  This is going to be great!”

I know this makes no sense.  Do I really believe that some guy is flirting with me just to trick me?  Do I really believe that there is no other viable explanation? 

It’s this fear of being duped that makes me immediately close myself off.  I know it’s completely illogical, yet it’s like an instinct with me.  Then only afterwards do I recognize what the other guy perceives by me doing this.  To him, my reaction is not one of fear or anger but of disinterest, so he just assumes that I’m “friend-zoning” him and that I have no interest in him.  This isn’t true, but it’s perfectly understandable why he would think this. 

Isn’t it a mystery why I’m still single?

So, to get to the bottom of this I have to look at why I would think that he is out to dupe me.  Why would I assume that some nice, friendly guy would only be flirting with me because he has some sort of dubious agenda?  Why would he be out to hurt me?

The hidden agenda in this scenario is what I need to understand.  Let’s pretend for a moment that I am correct (even though I know I’m not).  Let’s say that this guy is only pretending to like me because he really wants to hurt me.  Let’s pretend that he has absolutely no genuine interest in me and that he only is out to dupe me.

If this were true, then how would I sum up his motivation in a single word or phrase?  Then it hit me.  The word I’m looking for is “betrayal”.  Basically, I’m assuming that he is out to emotionally betray me.  I am assuming that his sole motivation is to con me into being emotionally vulnerable so that then he can take out the proverbial knife and plunge it into my gut.

Hmm – this sounds familiar.  Who in my past was notorious for using their knowledge of me to emotionally betray me and violate my trust on a daily basis?

Yep.  Basically, I am assuming that every guy out there is like my mother. 

This is a continual problem for me.  As I’ve written about before my mother was my closest friend but also my worst enemy when I was a child.  As she did not want me to have any independence she frequently used her knowledge of me to ridicule me so that I would feel totally insecure, so that I would only feel safe around her.  She in essence was my greatest betrayer.

So why would I assume other people would be like her?  It’s the elemental principles of developmental psychology.  In my previous post I wrote that children use their parents as a sort of “template” for how they assume other people will be.  In my case I had a mother who was someone who frequently violated my boundaries and betrayed me emotionally, so therefore it’s understandable that I would apply this same template to other people.

The other part of the problem is that when I was a child I normalized her behavior.  Aside from the fact that I was just a child, so I was too young and inexperienced to understand how wrong her behavior was, it was also a survival mechanism for me.  I had to learn to close myself off emotionally because showing her any sort of emotional vulnerability was always a huge mistake on my part, as she would use these opportunities to plunge that proverbial knife into my gut.

So, I became conditioned as a child not only to keep my emotional needs and vulnerabilities to myself, but to automatically believe that exposing such vulnerabilities would only lead to emotional hurt and betrayal.  And this is why I am suspicious when a guy expresses interest in me, because I am conditioned to believe that it’s a set-up, and that he is only doing this to hurt me in the long run.

It’s at this point that I recognize that my fears become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  If I’m convinced that every guy out there is out to betray me, then anytime someone flirts with me I’ll immediately close myself off.  Then the guy will just naturally assume that I’m not interested in him and move on.  It’s uncertain whether or not the flirtation was just a friendly gesture or if the guy was expressing genuine interest in me.  I never find out either way, and then at the end of the day I’m still single and ruminating about another potential lost opportunity.

The resolution for this problem is a familiar one for me, yet it’s amazing how many times this keeps coming up in my road of progress and healing.  I need to “de-program” myself from my mother’s abuse, but more importantly, I need to stop assuming that everyone else is as toxic and abusive as she was. 

Over the course of the past few years I’ve been able to forge many friendships, and more recently have been able to take those friendships to an even deeper level.  This deepening of my friendships has allowed me to take more risks in showing my emotional vulnerability.  In the past I would always hide myself away when I was experiencing a depressive low.  Because I was conditioned to believe that I would get hurt if I showed emotional vulnerability it’s understandable why I would hide myself away in these instances.

I’m hoping that if I can move my platonic connections further into an area of unexplored vulnerability that it will help to de-program myself from assuming that everyone out there is out to hurt me.  If I can believe that my friends love me unconditionally, that they would never intentionally hurt me, and that they are there to comfort me when I’m in those horrible low points, then perhaps I can start to accept that a potential romantic interest isn’t automatically out to hurt me either.

It won’t be easy for me, but I know that I have to risk myself more if I want to get out of this pattern of shutting down whenever someone shows the slightest interest in me.  I know that I have to stop expecting betrayal from every person I encounter.  I know that I have to allow myself to trust, and to have trust as my default belief system.  Only then will I truly accept it when a guy flirts with me.

So, I have yet more work to do.  This is just another corner on my road of progress.  To turn this corner isn’t going to be easy, but now that I have my friends to lean on I’m hoping it will give me the courage to take more chances with my fragile heart.  I know that I want to be in a relationship, because I deserve to be loved and to have someone to love.  Getting there is the hard part, but I’m going to try to push through the fear.  Hearing the chorus of encouragement from my friends will help me through this, and knowing that they are there to catch me when I fall will hopefully allow me to take those scary steps forward.

I’m hoping I’m ready to turn this next corner.